The Seventh Day.

And on the seventh day, God jerked off. I mean that must have been what they were trying to convey when they told us he was resting, right? I mean it’s not really a Sunday without at least one good jerk-off, is it? Damn – I bet he does it all the time. I bet jerking off is all that God does.

I mean the guy made man in his image, right? So we know he has a dick. Maybe it’s bigger, maybe it has a beard – maybe it even shoots lightning when it comes – but the point is he has one, like any other man, and like any other man he knows dicks are not to be left alone.

I mean name one guy you know who doesn’t jerk off. I mean I love that shit, everyone does, and I’m gonna keep doing untill the day I die – in fact I see myself at eighty popping a viagra just to jerk off. Why should God be any different? You know how lonely the guy must be? And horny? And bored?

Since he clearly doesn’t give a fuck about us terrestians anymore, he’s gotta have more than enough free time on his hands – and it’s not like he’s gonna spend it touring through heaven. I mean that place sucks, man – it’s a given it sucks – cause shoot me in the face if anyone interesting got in. I mean there musn’t be any rock concerts, any night clubs, any porn, any video games, any Jews – I bet God is pissed he’s stuck with the job of ruling heaven, I bet he envies the hell out of the devil, literally.

I mean if at least he were getting laid, then I’d believe it – but I don’t think he’s gotten any since he fucked Jesus’s mother; Otherwise we’d have a few more water-walkers running around and doing miracles. Maybe he’s afraid of getting an std? Catholics aren’t too hot on condoms after all.

Man – two-thousand years without getting laid. I mean I pride myself on waiting it out with Claire, but this guy really knows what waiting it out fucking means. That’s what sucks balls about monotheism, I guess – you can’t really give God a wife. I mean if he we’re to be a Greek god, or a Roman god, then it wouldn’t be a problem – motherfucker would have the best kinds of company. I mean those guys had a god for everything they had the god of war, the god of wine, the god of anal beads – and I don’t even want to imagine the parties those guys had. Back then it was the tits to be a god – hell, it was the tits being human too, just as long as you knew some god who could get you into the party – but this Jehova, man, he must be one hell of a lonely guy.

He’s got to jerk off – it’s the only way. Or maybe, I dunno – maybe he can suck his own dick? I mean he is God, after all. If Ron Jeremy can do it, there’s a good chance God can too – besides, even if he couldn’t, he could still remove his ribs like Marylin Manson and then he’d be able to do it – I mean God can clearly fuck around with ribs and all, as Adam would know. Yeah – this is starting to make sense, God sucks his own dick! I mean maybe he doesn’t swallow his own come or anything, that is unless he’s – wait.



What if – and bare with me here – what if, God were gay? What if he loves his own come? Holy shit – that’s it! God is gay!

God being gay would explain so much! He has to be gay – in fact now I’m sure he’s gay. It explains why he didn’t want to create a chick in the first place! He had a vision – naked guys butt-fucking each other in the Garden of Eden for eternity. It would also explain why the Bible insists on treating girls like shit – I bet God’s mother always wanted a girl.

Also, it would explain why God only had one son – he was disgusted with the idea of having sex with a woman – so she had her secretely inseminated and that’s why the crazy bitch believes it was immaculate and all! Shit – God is gay! And I mean he’s lonely, one-of-a-kind, narcissistic, and let’s not forget gay – it’s obvious he sucks his own dick all day! Man – God is gay! I like him so much more now!

The pope should come clean with us, man – tell it like it is, new pope! – and The Bible should trim all that new testament bullshit and read:

            And on the seventh day God sucked his own dick and he’s been doing it ever since.

            He turns his body around, sucketh his dick with his mouth, lightning-comes on his throat               and loves it because he’s God and because he’s gay.

            So fucking gay.

Man, I’d love that. Even I’d be a Christian if they came clean with us like that.

About this entry